Dating, Anxiety and Me

Dating, Anxiety and Me

This something that I think is really important to talk about. Especially this afternoon, the day after what I thought was a really amazing date. Most people would probably feel a sense of embarrassment blogging about this, but I want my blog to be a place of total honesty, and sometimes that means revealing information that makes me feel a little bit vulnerable. 

So last night I had a first date with a guy, now I met this guy on tinder (yes I use tinder, I’ll probably talk more about that soon). He’s a lot older than a guy I would usually date, as I’m usually into guys younger than me. But I was looking for something different this time. I realised immediately the benefit of someone older, they take charge, they organise. They will take you somewhere expensive for dinner, and there won’t be that incredibly awkward ending when a bill comes out and you’re pretending you wouldn’t mind going halves. He’ll just pay without question. 

So all in all it was a lovely evening, we had great food, and we talked and laughed. We shared a dessert, how adorable is that? There was even kissing, it seemed like it went really well. He dropped me home and he messaged me when got back saying he’d had a lovely time. All good right? Today I know he’s busy so I shouldn’t be worried that I’m not being bombarded by messages but unfortunately this is where the third part of any of my relationships comes out. 

Anxiety, my most loyal and longest relationship of all, this one never leaves me alone. So most people I presume could even accept quite easily after a first date that it just wasn’t going anywhere, no matter what the guy said. Or they’d accept without question he was busy. There was a time I would have been able to do this. Just brush it off, not anymore. This will take up my brains space for the rest of the day. I will desperately want a message, I will check his whatsapp online status all day and I’ll be miserable. Because I’ve lost the ability to have faith in myself or the fact that someone will like me. 

I won’t pretend that my past relationships haven’t had a huge impact on this, because of course they have made it hard to trust and I spent more time than I probably would admit being miserable in my last relationship. But I was ultimately proven right. 

Now I just wonder whether I should even try anymore... should I keep striving for a relationship when I make myself feel this awful about them. The answer is probably no, but I don’t want to be alone forever because of my anxiety. 

I see a lot of people talk about their relationships, and a vast majority of them seem to be in happy, healthy relationships. Their partners wanting to take care of them and support them through everything they go through. Sometimes I want that, because in a world full of people it’s so tiring to feel constantly alone. I’ve posted before about being happily single, and it’s not a lie, when there’s no one to message, there is no expectation and maybe that’s better. 

Who knows what will happen with this story, but for now I just wish I could deal with things better. I don’t think you should ever feel ashamed of failed dates, and there have been some hilarious stories from my dating life. But sometimes you don’t want a funny story, you want the one. 

Lots of Love,

Ciara xxxxxxxxx